


All Bets Are Off

by riot3672



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: A little, Bets & Wagers, Blood and Gore, Crack Treated Seriously, Don't Try This At Home, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Incest, Inappropriate Humor, Nightmare Fuel, Pietro Being an Idiot, Rats, Scheming, Sexual Humor, Stupidity, Tony Being Tony, Twincest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:50:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riot3672/pseuds/riot3672
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the Sunday afternoon that never had to happen, Tony proclaims Pietro as "most likely to win Fear Factor" after hearing all the horror stories of the twins in Sokovia. Some doubt surfaces, and the next thing Pietro knows, he's been wagered $10,000 that he can't eat raw rat meat, nearly all the Avengers counter-betting for and against him. With everything to lose, Pietro's only hope beyond his overinflated ego is a little help from the Scarlet Witch...</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Bets Are Off

**Author's Note:**

> For serious, I'm sorry I wrote this. Call this, like, really dark comedy that should've been released in October. It's not cute. Don't think it's gonna end in smut because for serious it's not. But obviously if you read modern comics and watch modern movies, I'm sure this is tame. Read on.

It was one of those strange days where the conversation among the Avengers became "what would your high school superlative be?"

Pietro didn't know what a high school superlative was, nor did he really care. These idiots came up with the weirdest things to talk about on Sunday afternoons. Instead, he focused on reading Wanda's facial expressions as she interpreted what everyone was thinking. Considering Tony was around, it was sure to be interesting.

"Okay Wanda's is without a doubt most likely to cry during sex," Tony said.

Ignore the fact that that was oddly accurate. What were these superlatives?

"One, fuck you. Two, superlatives are modifiers meant to describe something a single person is most likely to do. Like -est words in English," Wanda said to him, reading his mind.

Pietro offered a sheepish grin. "I loved making love to you when you were crying."

"Okay, before we get too much knowledge about the twins' sex life," Rhodey said. He paused. "Stark, what about Pietro?"

Tony studied Pietro. "Definitely most likely to win _Fear Factor_."

Okay now what was fear factor?

"What?" Pietro said.

"It's this show where people have to eat bugs and stuff for money," Tony replied. "After that casual sewer rat story, I have full faith."

"We did that after starving for almost a week," Wanda said.

Tony studied Pietro again. "Your sister's right. I bet you couldn't do it now."

"Do what? Eat a cooked rat? I'm pretty sure that's what's in McDonalds anyway."

"No, eat a raw rat."

Pietro leaned back. "Sounds like a bet."

"Ten grand."

"Make sure it's not diseased and you got a deal."

Pietro exchanged a look with Wanda. She shook her head, he nodded. She kept shaking her head, he kept nodding. 

_ 55/45. _

Finally, Wanda nodded with an eye roll.

Perfect.

#

By evening, Pietro had skipped a meal and a half and Tony had procured a non-diseased dead rat.

They sat in the backyard. Tony handed him the rat on a paper plate in the shape of a fucking mouse, a cleaver, a carving knife, and a fork. 

"What're the rules? We didn't eat everything the first time," Pietro said.

"Just the meat, but I'll give you an extra two grand if you eat the brain," Tony said.

The group watching was conveniently male, except Wanda, who looked like she'd rather be pulling out individual eyelashes. Jesus, even Natasha was gone. Maybe it was supposed to be funny or sibling bonding, but they'd left a puke bucket with her.

"Do I get five extra if one of you guys puke first?" Pietro joked.

"Only if I do," Tony said. 

Pietro smirked, lifted the cleaver, and chopped off the head. Thud, thudthudthudthud tail and paws off too. He immediately had the guys groaning and laughing away the disgust. He took the knife, skinned it, slit the meat top to bottom, poured out the innards. In his head, a steady favorite song of his kept his mind off what he was doing. 

More disgusted reactions from his audience. 

"Tony, this is the worst bet you've ever made!" Rhodey said.

"Were you, like, a butcher back in Sokovia?" Tony asked.

Pietro shrugged, sifted the intestines and other poisonous rat bits to the side.

"Okay, so that's the actual meat," Pietro said, pointing to the muscle he'd left to the side. "The internal organs aren't considered ideal, if edible."

"Eat the meat first and we'll see what happens."

Pietro carved off a slice of the meat, still more or less bloody despite cutting into a corpse. Ugh, if he died from this, he wasn't sure he wanted Wanda to revive him again.

He formed the piece of meat, stuck it in his mouth and _God_ it was more fucking awful than he remembered. He chewed the bare minimum, probably not enough to not prevent choking, and swallowed the damn thing. Shit, he should’ve asked for a chaser, but whatever. 

He glanced at Wanda. She had her eyes shut, breathing steady and controlled. He sent her a good vibe, whatever that was, and went in for the next piece. Ugh, he tasted the blood in that bite. This better be worth the money. 

“Oh my God, are you guys actually doing this?” Steve said, suddenly in the group.

Pietro didn’t need Steve’s disapproval on top of the already omnipresent urge to vomit, so he kept his focus on the task at hand.

“Did you ever have to do this, Steve?” Sam asked.

“No, and I thank God every day for it.”

God, the third piece did not go down easy. _Be as Khaleesi, asshole._

He still had eight or so more pieces to go. He took a deep breath, wiped his brow, and kept going. Ten thousand bucks for ten bad minutes. 

Half of the thing locked down. He could do this. He glanced at Wanda. She looked a little pale, still doing that controlled breathing. He offered her a small, toothless smile. 

At some point between piece eight and nine, Pepper and Natasha showed up.

“Tony, you agreed you stopped hazing new members after the Clint incident,” Pepper said.

“Hey, he agreed to do this all on his own!”

“What _is_ that? Did you just pluck that out of the labs?”

“No! I asked them if it’d been experimented on.”

_What. The. Fuck?_

Someone was suddenly patting his back. Clint. “I counter-bet two hundred bucks that you could do this. Go, little bastard, go.”

Well, thanks for the support, Clint.

As Pietro dragged his body and psyche through the rest of the raw meat, he learned that everyone in the circle had counter-bet, with monetary ranges from one dollar to the priceless Asgardian heirlooms. Even Vision bet a dollar on Pietro. _Vision_. 

By God’s graces and a lot of twin support, Pietro finished the meat. He could feel himself teetering on the edge between puking and being okay, but that money would seal the deal.

“Okay, now pick out an organ out of that pile and go for it,” Tony said.

“What?” he and Wanda shouted at the same time.

“You said only some of them were inedible. Take out what’s edible.”

“No. No way, man. That shit isn’t—” Pietro continued to say as Wanda shrank back.

“Heart’s edible,” Natasha said.

He bet she bet against him. Rude.

He picked the little rat heart out of the pile, scratched off any excess fat or guts or whatever was stuck to it. God, why had he agreed to this? This was the kind of decision they were going to hold against him for the next ten years.

He exchanged a look with Wanda. She wasn’t looking much better.

Well, it was full Khaleesi, Mel Gibson Mayan apocalypse time.

He popped the heart in, chewed as fast as humanly possible—fuck, the blood, the blood fucking squirted into his mouth. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“Keep it together, Pietro!” someone shouted.

He swallowed what felt like a rock. 

He couldn’t do it. Shit, he could feel it climbing back up. God, no! No, no, no! Not now. Not—

He heard Wanda vomit. 

“Twin ESP! Twin ESP! Twin ESP!” several people shouted.

Fuck.  _Everyone_. 

The wave passed.

He straightened back out, set his fork on the plate, and fell back onto his back.

He was good.

“Where’s my money, Stark?” Pietro said as he sat up again.

Tony looked honest to God impressed. 

“Guess my superlative was right,” Tony said as he counted out the prize money in hundreds. 

Pietro pocked the money, pushed himself to his feet, and gathered up his sister.

“God dammit, I thought the twin ESP would work for sure!” Rhodey said as Pietro walked away with Wanda.

Once they were out of earshot, Pietro cut the bills, most to her.

“Thanks,” he said, grinning.

Wanda shook her head. “Never again.”

“Hey, we got decent cash out of the deal.”

“I hardly agreed to eat the rats when they were cooked and we were starving…”

He tightened his grip around her. “Well, I wouldn’t have been able to do it without you.” He kissed her cheek. “Literally.”

“Like I said, it’ll never happen again.” She huffed. "Honestly, what was I even there for? Mental support? You'd eat maggots if I asked nice enough."

"Hey, there's a serious mental barrier from eating something with its face right there."

"Yeah, whatever. Just remember who did the brute of the suffering." She k issed him on the mouth. "I gotta go work on something with Nat."

Oh, God.

“You did that on purpose!” Pietro whined.

“Don’t ask me to bear the emotional experience of eating raw rats,” she said. She paused. Took his entire hand of money. Handed him back one bill. “For your trouble.”

He watched as Wanda walked off, everything processing surprisingly slow.

"Hey! I actually ate the fucking thing! Get back here!"

 She gave him the finger, and he knew it was no use. 


End file.
